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#18 Tinder Dates

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While not Atlanta specific, over the past few years Tinder has managed to position itself as the official norm of effortless dating which of course fully benefits Atlanta women, since Atlanta men or any men for that matter do not reap the same benefits of the social app.

The way the app works is simple. You simply place a picture of yourself online from five to ten years ago and then complain about others who do the same in the about section of your profile. Step two, while editing your profile make sure that you list your various levels of education, work experience, recent accomplishments and everything else that doesn’t really matter, since the entire purpose of Tinder is to judge each other solely based upon looks. Also, don’t forget to mention the terrible time that you’ve had using the app, while continuing to use the app and be sure to reference your Instagram page.

If done correctly, their system will then attempt to “match you,” with people who are attracted to you from your same general location using your smart phones GPS.

If both of you then like each other’s photos, a match is created and you can then either choose to continue Tidering and not talk to each other (which is what the majority of Tinder users choose to do) or once the chat feature is enabled, ask for free food in the form of an official “Tinder date” which entails meeting in person for the first time, usually at a semi-expensive restaurant for dinner or drinks after work.

As an Atlanta male you should know that Tinder has become a survival tool for a handful of struggling Atlanta women since it provides both food and nourishment. The free food option of course does not apply to Atlanta men.

After about seven Tinder matches, Atlanta women will then categorize their dates by day of the week, attractiveness and meal with Monday usually being reserved for the least attractive Tinder date and cheapest meal, while reserving Friday for the David Beckham look-a-like and Maggiano’s Little Italy.

The end result however is always the same. She’ll take a brief hiatus from Tinder dating and her communication will be minimal, after having been allowed to stuff her face every day of the week. When she returns she’ll now claim not be impressed with money or where the next guy wants to take her. You’ll essentially be out of twenty five to fifty dollars and will only be contacted when she’s bored or hungry now forced to watch her “Moments” on the sideline.

#17 The Home Body

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When an Atlanta woman considers herself to be a homebody, what she’s really telling you is that she goes out at least three days a week but not on weekends. In her mind, this automatically one-ups you, upon meeting for the first time and casually discussing your interests.

While most Atlanta women would prefer to escape with their girlfriends and party on the weekend, the homebody believes this is trivial and instead would rather invite her “colleagues” to happy hour. This allows Atlanta women to not only roll partying into their weekly work schedule but also skillfully omit the detail of such from their conversations with you and still make it home before news at eleven.

The most common place to meet a homebody is always at her girlfriends birthday party. Coincidentally, “I only decided to come out for my friends birthday” is the number one excuse used by one third of Atlanta women whenever they’re in attendance anywhere, with “my girlfriend dragged me out,” running a close second.

As an Atlanta male you should note that every Atlanta woman will have a group of friends who celebrate birthdays year around, despite them not really liking one another. Every weekend will always be someone’s birthday, which gives them all reason to go out (against their will of course).

Upon meeting an Atlanta woman try not to assume that she’s a homebody. Instead, first verify. Ask her if she goes out often. Most likely she’s going to say “No.” When she does, you should smugly ask “Well, whose birthday is it then?” If she appears startled by your “lucky guess,” tell her that you have a lot in common but know that you shouldn’t take her any more serious than she takes herself.

#16 Cougars

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Atlanta has it’s fair share of women in their late 30′s and early 40′s, who periodically prey on young unsuspecting tenderloins with no strings attached.

Dating younger men became popular somewhere in between the release of the cult classic “American Pie” movies, which are ultimately responsible for coining the low brow term “M.I.L.F” (mom I’d like to fondle), and Demi Moore’s highly publicized Hollywood relationship with Ashton Kutcher, which popularized the book and somehow more socially acceptable term “Cougar” by Valerie Gibson.

You’ll be relieved to know that older Atlanta women share all of the same benefits that one should expect from a low maintenance –high yield retirement policy.

Atlanta’s cougars typically require little to no monetary investment since they’re usually well-off.

They won’t demand that you spend the same amount of time with them, that you would with a girlfriend of your own age in a similar relationship, since they would prefer not to remind themselves, that they’ve hit rock bottom. This will allow you to go bar diving, race cars, play Xbox or bungee jump which is something that women your own age hate, since they realize it brings you enjoyment.

Lastly, if you manage not to remind them of how young you are, then you’re almost always guaranteed the big payoff; with a simple night out in the town or at Johnny’s Hideaway, ending up back at her place making whoopee to her ex-husbands old record collection.

One can’t help to ignore however that these women are in fact old.and single.

The reason of which could vary from simple divorce, to she’s really not single, all the way to the more likely; she killed her husband and took all of the insurance money.

NOTE: The city of Alpharetta is known to be a safe haven for gun wielding wives and blade bearing widows.

Younger Atlanta men should avoid Atlanta’s cougars, cubs (and especially Alpharetta) since these relationships usually end with the women growing emotionally attached and wanting more.

The alternative of course is in front of a judge or Fulton county’s crime scene investigation unit.

Try reminding yourself that you’re one-third her age as she attempts to convince you that she “just wants to have fun and doesn’t expect anything too serious.” If that doesn’t work then try reminding yourself that she looks like Paula Deen.

After having rejected her many advances, she’ll eventually try to trick herself into believing that she’s in control and doesn’t have time for your lack of maturity. Neither of which are true, but both of which of course are necessary for her to believe, thus assuring your safety.

#15 Tyler Perry Fans

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Tyler Perry is an actor, director and screen playwright who released his first film titled “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” in 2005 with a budget of approximately $5.5 million dollars. After having successfully grossed over $50 million dollars domestically with the film, Tyler Perry soon realized the profitability involved in bashing Atlanta men. His films now serve as the visual to the voices of countless Atlanta women, who no one would otherwise care to listen to.

The formula to his films are relatively simple to understand. They typically start out in some Atlanta neighborhood that the city of Atlanta has failed to gentrify. A ridiculously beautiful Atlanta woman (who 90% of the female audience believes they resemble), walks into the scene and spends thirty to forty five minutes bashing penis or copes with some form of an abusive relationship, which includes but is not limited to: physical abuse, mental abuse or some form of infidelity.

Shortly thereafter, this same Atlanta woman meets prince charming who just so happens to be cleverly disguised as an auto mechanic or guy that fixes things.

She rejects his many advances and remains coy, only to eventually consult with a gun wielding and emotionally unstable Madea. After twenty minutes of pointless but entertaining dialog, the Atlanta woman (like the audience), learns nothing from her own experience. She eventually get’s married to the guy that fixes things only to ask herself “Why Did I Get Married?” by the time the credits roll.

Atlanta women love Tyler Perry movies because they feel his films summarize the overall Atlanta dating experience in a public forum, which they believe somehow helps get their point across (whatever that actual point may be). It’s the perfect love hate relationship. Atlanta women hate being a part of the Atlanta dating scene but love complaining about it within their social circles; it’s the only time that Atlanta women seem to get along. Their success is heightened once Tyler Perry debuts his newest film which often consists of drama, greed, violence, down-low men, cheating husbands, women that always seem to get away with cheating and of course fairy tail endings (everything that Atlanta women know and love).

His stage plays are typically held in the same regard as Broadway’s “Cats” or “The Phantom of The Opera,” and therefore are probably one of the best first date options to consider, if you’re attempting to seal the deal and have never been to The Fox. But because his films reaffirm everything that Atlanta women already believe, you’ll be hard pressed convincing the die hard Tyler Perry fan (basically all Atlanta women), that she’s actually dating you rather than one of the sociopaths from Tyler Perry’s latest film.

#14 Christian Minglers

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There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a belief in a higher power but there is something wrong with mentioning that belief on the first date. While they have good intentions most Atlanta women who do this are usually either a) women that are uninterested and will do anything to rid themselves of unwanted dinner guests or b) women that are too interested and should be tested for lead poisoning. The alternative of course is c) women who believe that the both of you were brought together by a higher power which usually results in d) an order of protection.

#13 “Sports Fanatics”

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football
There are three things that you’ll notice upon attending any Atlanta Falcons game here in Atlanta. The first is that the Falcons are probably losing. This is especially true if the Falcons are in the playoffs and Matt Ryan is in the game, holding anything that remotely resembles a football.

The second is that nearly half of all of the people in attendance (regardless of claiming to be die hard Falcons fans), will in fact be in support of the opposing team. The exception of course is unless the Falcons are actually winning or Michael Vick and the Eagles are playing. On paper Michael Vick and Matt Ryan are essentially the same player. Most Atlanta Falcons fans however have learned to hate everything that Michael Vick stands for which unfortunately includes the possibility of a Super Bowl win.

The most important thing that you should take note to is that almost every Atlanta woman in attendance will lay claim to be one of the biggest self proclaimed sports fanatics.

When an Atlanta woman says that she’s a sports fanatic, she really means that she watches Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives or The T.O. Show faithfully. To the Atlanta woman, watching one episode of women who offer nothing to the sports arena, equates to watching at least three seasons of people who play the sport professionally. It also of course now means that she officially knows more than you, and as a result will begin repeating all sorts of sports man like clichés regardless of the appropriateness of the situation or the team they belong to.

Try not to appear too confused when she shouts “Who Dat,” in response to the Falcons losing against the Giants or Atlanta “Housewife” Kim Zoliack landing her own scripted reality television show with Falcons defensive end Kroy Beirmann. Instead, speak her language and make her feel as if she’s apart of the game by telling her that once Beirmann and Kim have their baby, the Falcons are destined for a Super Bowl win.

While this will accomplish nothing, at least you’ll have something to laugh about until the start of your next real date with someone else.

#12 Women That Aren’t Looking for Anything Too Serious

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After years of dating and countless failed relationships, most Atlanta women will eventually come to terms with the harsh realities of the current dating scene. To any man that’s willing to listen, they’ll openly state that they aren’t looking for anything “too serious,” but proceed with caution.

When an Atlanta woman tells you this, your chances of maintaining a strictly platonic relationship dwindle by 51%. Even more so if you’re a half decent guy, that’s currently employed with no recent history of mental illness.

Many Atlanta women take the nonchalant approach to dating and will attempt to convince you that their only interest lies in simply being “friends.” You’ll go out for the occasional coffee or wine tasting and even exchange commentary on issues that the both of you could care less about, had you actually been in a committed relationship. To the unsuspecting Atlanta male, this is a win-win situation, especially if the woman in question is at least semi-attractive.

What could be better than going out with an attractive woman on a regular basis without overly complicating things with talks of commitment or the awkwardness that sex creates?

You’ll get to platonically stare at body parts that any other woman would slap you for observing, all while satisfying a need of hers which is to constantly complain to a guy, who’ll pretend to listen and care, but without the obligation of actually having to be there on a regular basis.

It’s the perfect dynamic to maintain for any male or female seeking companionship.

Unfortunately, most Atlanta women that say they aren’t looking for anything too serious, usually end up starring in their very own episode of “Snapped.” In a relatively short amount of time, you’ll go from the guy that was literally just a friend to the guy that Biz Markie was rapping about in the 80′s.

Try to understand that when an Atlanta woman says that she’s not looking for anything too serious, she really means that she’s dating to marry but has relinquished herself and therefore you of all expectations, since she’s probably been hurt in the past. The not so serious approach, may confuse you but will allow her to feel as if she’s still in control.

#11 “Women Who Say They ‘Don’t Do Clubs’ But Attend them Regularly”

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Texas has oil, Philly has cheese steaks, Arizona has immigration reform and Atlanta has night clubs.

Typically every Atlanta date starts off the same, with you both lying to each other over a candlelit dinner. She tells you that all she wants is a normal guy, who doesn’t make six figures and you tell her, that all you’re interested in is everything but sex. As the night progresses, you both complain about  previous relationships that you’ve never had,  while comparing notes from recent psychotherapy sessions. After sipping chilled concoctions that neither one of you could handle, she tells you how much of a home body she is and asks, “So do you go out often?”

As an Atlanta male, it’s your responsibility to profess your hate of Atlanta’s night life,  immediately upon being asked this question.

Try to ignore the fact that you’re both probably in a dive bar, listening to the alternative version of “Blame It On the Alcohol” and politely say, “No, I don’t really do clubs or anything, but I will occasionally go out to shoot a game of pool with friends.”

If she asks, “So what are you doing here then?” tell her that your friends dragged you out of the house for (name the closest holiday or friends birthday), but you would’ve preferred to have actually stayed at home and watch Netflix. Coincidentally, she’ll tell you that, that’s the same exact reason that she’s out of the house and that she also has a Netflix account—Score!

At no point in time however should you make the mistake of asking her the same question as she will immediately be put on defense.

Providing her with the above response will establish three things:

The first, is that it will make it seem as if you’re that much more sophisticated or mature, than the previous guys that she’s had to deal with. It’s almost a guarantee that she’ll echo your same exact sentiment in regards to Atlanta’s nightlife, regardless of either one of you being truthful.

The second thing, is that you’ve now introduced a competitive element into your date that for one reason or another, Atlanta women love.

Note: You can substitute pool with any competitive activity, so long as there’s alcohol present and she actually believes that she has a chance of winning.

The last thing that you’ll establish is that you actually have a life or at bare minimum, that you’re an avid fan of Netflix.

Atlanta women hate meeting men that are constantly partying but cringe at the idea of meeting a man that’s too readily available. It’s because of this that pretending as if you don’t have enough time to attend happy hour, because you’re too busy watching the complete first season of “Spartacus” on Netflix is the perfect ploy.

Please note that your relationship won’t last too long because she’ll be too busy partying, even though the majority of your discussions will be her trying to convince you that she doesn’t.

#10 “Women Addicted to Social Media”

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socialmediaqueenmessengerbagAtlanta women have a unique way of communicating and exchanging messages called social networking. As an Atlanta male, you should be well versed in the art of both Facebook, Twitter and Emojis since the days of communicating via the spoken English language are over.

Everyday greetings that we all take for granted such as “Hello” and “How are you?” have all been replaced by pokes,  friend requests and at mentions.

Getting to know someone means that she’s reviewed the info tab on your Facebook profile and she’s not creeped out at the fact that you’re a fan of Justin Bieber.

Breaking up with someone simply means that she’s unfollowed of defriended you on Facebook, all while speaking passive aggressively about you in a status update.

Depending on that type of Atlanta woman that you meet, should determine the type of social network that you  use.

Typically your more sophisticated Atlanta women, enjoy the “Likes” and relationship statuses that Facebook has to offer, while your more fun and narcissistic Atlanta woman seems to enjoy the tweets and Twitpics of people who you could care less about.

You must never however make the mistake of meeting an Atlanta woman and becoming one of her followers on Twitter. Being one of her friends on Facebook however is perfectly acceptable, even though they’re both essentially the same thing.

Liking one of her daily quotes on Facebook (as if you really understand what the hell she’s talking about) or re-tweeting one of her narcissistic rants on Twitter, will surely gain you some cool points as well as possible entry into her “Top Friends” list.

You will find however that your day to day interactions, will ultimately be based upon your social networked ones.

#9 “Exotic Dancers”

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stripperIronically, exotic dancers are probably some of the most honest Atlanta women that you’ll meet.

They won’t tell you that they want an honest man because usually, they don’t. Like most Atlanta women, they prefer an honest woman, but given the slightest chance that they do actually prefer men, be rest assured that they’re not going to put forth the extra effort to call Joey Greco, if they suspect that you’ve been cheating.

To the exotic dancer, men are about as common as pole rash, so there’s plenty to go around and they typically don’t mind sharing.

Because of their unselfishness, exotic dancers will often attempt to make suggestions as to whom you should date and will occasionally even offer to be your wing man, in an effort to help scout the talent.

While most Atlanta women will attempt to convince you that they love you for you, Atlanta’s exotic dancers will often remind you that it’s all about the Benjamin’s.

As an Atlanta male, you must respect this, since the reality of the situation is that you probably met her while she was working and contributed to at least one semester of her tuition at Georgia State.

The last thing that you’re definitely not going to hear from one of Atlanta’s exotic dancers, is that she only wants to be with you, simply because—she doesn’t. In fact, the mere idea of waking up to someone every day, who even remotely resembles one of her regulars from the the night before, will probably be enough to make her vomit in her mouth and tremble in her G-string (and not in the good way).

While these probably all sound like reasons given in favor of dating exotic dancers, you should know that maintaining an open relationship with one, will require that you “make it rain,” on a regular basis, as well as the occasional feeding of Waffle House Texas Grilled Chicken Melts (hash browns are a fair substitute, depending on blood alcohol levels).

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