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#8 Material Girls

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Please do not confuse the material girl with your run-of-the-mill gold digger. While it remains true that she’s yet another Atlanta woman that you should avoid, the reasoning behind this claim is for an entirely different set of reasons.

As you may recall, Atlanta’s gold diggers will attempt to suck the life force out of any man with a decent credit score.  They meticulously hunt for their prey in environments that are at often times, unsuspecting (e.g Valet parking). They’ve familiarized themselves with all of the different gold digging maneuvers and techniques in an effort to successfully get what they want, which is ultimately not you.

A material girls intention’s however while still financially draining are just a little more innocent.

Material girls are infected with a self inflicting disease called “Shopping Spree” that they’re totally unaware of. Like gold diggers, material girls love wearing designer labels that 85% of the general population can’t afford. They love shopping at Lenox Mall, Phipps Plaza and Atlantic Station for out of season and exclusive, but not discounted items. Unlike the gold digger, material girls don’t care if they obtain their rather expensive wardrobe on their own dime or someone else’s, as long as it’s obtained before it’s marked 40% off and is obtainable by the general public.

Material girls get off on wearing things that others can’t afford or find, even if they themselves end up having to sacrifice. What they fail to realize however is that everything goes on sale at some point and so bad credit scores and chapter 7 bankruptcies are common place in this relationship.

Unless you’re already married to one, you should approach any Atlanta woman holding more than three designer shopping bags simultaneously with caution. You’ll come to find out that she’s most likely a debt consolidation expert who should be avoided.

#15 Tyler Perry Fans

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Tyler Perry is an actor, director and screen playwright who released his first film titled “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” in 2005 with a budget of approximately $5.5 million dollars. After having successfully grossed over $50 million dollars domestically with the film, Tyler Perry soon realized the profitability involved in bashing Atlanta men. His films now serve as the visual to the voices of countless Atlanta women, who no one would otherwise care to listen to.

The formula to his films are relatively simple to understand. They typically start out in some Atlanta neighborhood that the city of Atlanta has failed to gentrify. A ridiculously beautiful Atlanta woman (who 90% of the female audience believes they resemble), walks into the scene and spends thirty to forty five minutes bashing penis or copes with some form of an abusive relationship, which includes but is not limited to: physical abuse, mental abuse or some form of infidelity.

Shortly thereafter, this same Atlanta woman meets prince charming who just so happens to be cleverly disguised as an auto mechanic or guy that fixes things.

She rejects his many advances and remains coy, only to eventually consult with a gun wielding and emotionally unstable Madea. After twenty minutes of pointless but entertaining dialog, the Atlanta woman (like the audience), learns nothing from her own experience. She eventually get’s married to the guy that fixes things only to ask herself “Why Did I Get Married?” by the time the credits roll.

Atlanta women love Tyler Perry movies because they feel his films summarize the overall Atlanta dating experience in a public forum, which they believe somehow helps get their point across (whatever that actual point may be). It’s the perfect love hate relationship. Atlanta women hate being a part of the Atlanta dating scene but love complaining about it within their social circles; it’s the only time that Atlanta women seem to get along. Their success is heightened once Tyler Perry debuts his newest film which often consists of drama, greed, violence, down-low men, cheating husbands, women that always seem to get away with cheating and of course fairy tail endings (everything that Atlanta women know and love).

His stage plays are typically held in the same regard as Broadway’s “Cats” or “The Phantom of The Opera,” and therefore are probably one of the best first date options to consider, if you’re attempting to seal the deal and have never been to The Fox. But because his films reaffirm everything that Atlanta women already believe, you’ll be hard pressed convincing the die hard Tyler Perry fan (basically all Atlanta women), that she’s actually dating you rather than one of the sociopaths from Tyler Perry’s latest film.

#16 Cougars

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Atlanta has it’s fair share of women in their late 30′s and early 40′s, who periodically prey on young unsuspecting tenderloins with no strings attached.

Dating younger men became popular somewhere in between the release of the cult classic “American Pie” movies, which are ultimately responsible for coining the low brow term “M.I.L.F” (mom I’d like to fondle), and Demi Moore’s highly publicized Hollywood relationship with Ashton Kutcher, which popularized the book and somehow more socially acceptable term “Cougar” by Valerie Gibson.

You’ll be relieved to know that older Atlanta women share all of the same benefits that one should expect from a low maintenance –high yield retirement policy.

Atlanta’s cougars typically require little to no monetary investment since they’re usually well-off.

They won’t demand that you spend the same amount of time with them, that you would with a girlfriend of your own age in a similar relationship, since they would prefer not to remind themselves, that they’ve hit rock bottom. This will allow you to go bar diving, race cars, play Xbox or bungee jump which is something that women your own age hate, since they realize it brings you enjoyment.

Lastly, if you manage not to remind them of how young you are, then you’re almost always guaranteed the big payoff; with a simple night out in the town or at Johnny’s Hideaway, ending up back at her place making whoopee to her ex-husbands old record collection.

One can’t help to ignore however that these women are in fact old.and single.

The reason of which could vary from simple divorce, to she’s really not single, all the way to the more likely; she killed her husband and took all of the insurance money.

NOTE: The city of Alpharetta is known to be a safe haven for gun wielding wives and blade bearing widows.

Younger Atlanta men should avoid Atlanta’s cougars, cubs (and especially Alpharetta) since these relationships usually end with the women growing emotionally attached and wanting more.

The alternative of course is in front of a judge or Fulton county’s crime scene investigation unit.

Try reminding yourself that you’re one-third her age as she attempts to convince you that she “just wants to have fun and doesn’t expect anything too serious.” If that doesn’t work then try reminding yourself that she looks like Paula Deen.

After having rejected her many advances, she’ll eventually try to trick herself into believing that she’s in control and doesn’t have time for your lack of maturity. Neither of which are true, but both of which of course are necessary for her to believe, thus assuring your safety.

#2 The Professional Model

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If there’s one thing that Atlanta’s full of besides bullshit and Waffle Houses is ‘professional’ models. A woman saying that she’s a model in Atlanta is the equivalent of someone saying that they’re an actor in Hollywood; they’re pretty much everywhere and one step away from unemployment. The exception of course is if she’s in school or has some other means of paying for her bills such as a part time or full time job but usually that’s not the case.

Models are so prevalent in Atlanta, partly because of the city’s entertainment industry but primarily because of the attention garnered and gifts bore from the men. There’s simply a lot of beautiful lazy women here, who come from all walks of life, that the men cater to and bend over for; regardless of the male to female ratio being in favor of the men.

Being a model in Atlanta means that you don’t have to pay to enter any clubs, parties and some concerts. It means that you don’t have to pay fifty percent of your bills, since you’ll always find some guy willing to do so; regardless of him being able to pay his own. You don’t really have to have any transportation, since once again; some guy is always going to be willing to drive you around as his show piece. Plus, Marta is readily available if things go really bad. Finally, you don’t really have to be that smart, since Atlanta itself is a city based on image and as long as you’re beautiful, not too many people are going to ask you any really important questions.

If you’re passive, have loads of cash and you’re up to dealing with someone who’s developed a false sense of self-importance, then by all means, have at thee. But it’s probably in your best interest to avoid the model, since these women usually hold all of the cards and have plenty of options.

#12 Women That Aren’t Looking for Anything Too Serious

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After years of dating and countless failed relationships, most Atlanta women will eventually come to terms with the harsh realities of the current dating scene. To any man that’s willing to listen, they’ll openly state that they aren’t looking for anything “too serious,” but proceed with caution.

When an Atlanta woman tells you this, your chances of maintaining a strictly platonic relationship dwindle by 51%. Even more so if you’re a half decent guy, that’s currently employed with no recent history of mental illness.

Many Atlanta women take the nonchalant approach to dating and will attempt to convince you that their only interest lies in simply being “friends.” You’ll go out for the occasional coffee or wine tasting and even exchange commentary on issues that the both of you could care less about, had you actually been in a committed relationship. To the unsuspecting Atlanta male, this is a win-win situation, especially if the woman in question is at least semi-attractive.

What could be better than going out with an attractive woman on a regular basis without overly complicating things with talks of commitment or the awkwardness that sex creates?

You’ll get to platonically stare at body parts that any other woman would slap you for observing, all while satisfying a need of hers which is to constantly complain to a guy, who’ll pretend to listen and care, but without the obligation of actually having to be there on a regular basis.

It’s the perfect dynamic to maintain for any male or female seeking companionship.

Unfortunately, most Atlanta women that say they aren’t looking for anything too serious, usually end up starring in their very own episode of “Snapped.” In a relatively short amount of time, you’ll go from the guy that was literally just a friend to the guy that Biz Markie was rapping about in the 80′s.

Try to understand that when an Atlanta woman says that she’s not looking for anything too serious, she really means that she’s dating to marry but has relinquished herself and therefore you of all expectations, since she’s probably been hurt in the past. The not so serious approach, may confuse you but will allow her to feel as if she’s still in control.

#7 Gold Diggers

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Gold diggers are the most basic of the Atlanta women who you should avoid. You’ll come to find out that almost every unfortunate experience that you’ll encounter with an Atlanta woman, will somehow always trace back to the characteristics of the gold digger.

Understanding the psyche of the gold digger is relatively simple, so long as you understand the story of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. While gold diggers have yet to develop a taste for blood (although that’s subject to change any day now), they do however love preying on unsuspecting wallets and pocket lint, in hopes of obtaining the latest in designer handbags, glitzy heels and other collectible shit that doesn’t really matter.

Their number one rule is to obtain as much as possible without giving “anything” up.  Fortunately for Atlanta men, that’s where most Atlanta women fail.

Dressed in clothes that they’ve purchased from Plato’s Closet (a retailer that specializes in “brand name gently used clothing”), Atlanta’s gold diggers frequently pay visits to Lenox Mall and Phipps Plaza, where they often pretend as if they’re regular shoppers at Jimmy Choo’s and other high end retailers.

Most Atlanta women will profess, that Lenox Mall and the surrounding areas are a little “too gay” for their taste. This usually occurs right after they realize that they can’t afford that $599 Gucci clutch, plus the premium gas that it takes to fill up their leased BMW 3 series sedan or coupe (a favorite among Atlanta’s female urban elitist).

Gold Diggers however realize the true potential of Atlanta’s high end retail. They know that Atlanta is the only city, where you can buy: out of season, high end items, forty percent below cost and still manage to feel as if you’ve overpaid, but justify your purchase by stating that you shopped at Phipps. This subconsciously allows them to convince themselves, that their somehow better than all of their frugal family members and friends.

In a city like Atlanta, one should be careful not to set unrealistic expectations while dating, since setting any expectations usually results in failure.

Try not to expend too much energy avoiding Atlanta’s gold diggers, since to do so would pretty much mean that you would need to move. Instead, minimize your risk by familiarizing yourself with the places that these women frequent, which offers one or all of the following:

Free admission (For women only)
What’s better than free? How about a guy having to pay a $50 dollar cover charge, where women gain free entry on any given night. This small test of tax bracket will separate the men from the boys in the eyes of the Atlanta gold digger.

Valet parking
If you prefer that your car does the talking for you, then be sure to Valet it upon arrival at your favorite restaurant or lounge. Gold diggers typically hang out 15 minutes near the valet before any decent meal.

Priceless menus
She’ll attempt to gauge your reaction once you find out that her Martini was $14.99 a glass and wasn’t imported. It’s imperative that you maintain your Lady Gaga and not flinch at the site of bankruptcy.

A la Carte
A la Carte roughly translated means “From the menu” or ordered separately. In the eyes of the gold digger however, anything French is expensive and expensive is good, even if she has no idea what it means. Try not to laugh when she orders “Fougasse A la Carte” (bread) simply because it sounds like you’ll need to take out a loan to eat it.

Cheap drinks and/or drink specials
Under any other circumstance, drinking on the job would definitely be considered a no-no, but in the event that she fails at retrieving the pin to your debit card, she’ll at least have the drinks to remember you by in the morning. This may work out in your favor depending on your motives or the last time that you received a shot of Penicillin.

Celebrity sightings
Self explanatory

Is a sporting event
It’s every gold diggers dream, that they attend an NBA, NFL or MLB game and for one reason or another, just happen to meet Lebron James, Michael Vick or Derek Jeter. Golf is acceptable if Rory Mcilroy or Tiger Woods is playing. While you probably won’t be the primary target of the evening, you should however continue to be wary of your surroundings and periodically check on the status of your wallet.

Accepts American Express cards
Having an American Express card, means that you’re apart of the social elite, regardless of almost every retailer and merchant refusing to accept the brand. Atlanta’s gold diggers equate American Express logos with good credit and disposable income. Be rest assured however that your money is safe since you won’t be able to purchase anything with almost every establishment refusing service upon seeing it.

#11 “Women Who Say They ‘Don’t Do Clubs’ But Attend them Regularly”

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Texas has oil, Philly has cheese steaks, Arizona has immigration reform and Atlanta has night clubs.

Typically every Atlanta date starts off the same, with you both lying to each other over a candlelit dinner. She tells you that all she wants is a normal guy, who doesn’t make six figures and you tell her, that all you’re interested in is everything but sex. As the night progresses, you both complain about  previous relationships that you’ve never had,  while comparing notes from recent psychotherapy sessions. After sipping chilled concoctions that neither one of you could handle, she tells you how much of a home body she is and asks, “So do you go out often?”

As an Atlanta male, it’s your responsibility to profess your hate of Atlanta’s night life,  immediately upon being asked this question.

Try to ignore the fact that you’re both probably in a dive bar, listening to the alternative version of “Blame It On the Alcohol” and politely say, “No, I don’t really do clubs or anything, but I will occasionally go out to shoot a game of pool with friends.”

If she asks, “So what are you doing here then?” tell her that your friends dragged you out of the house for (name the closest holiday or friends birthday), but you would’ve preferred to have actually stayed at home and watch Netflix. Coincidentally, she’ll tell you that, that’s the same exact reason that she’s out of the house and that she also has a Netflix account—Score!

At no point in time however should you make the mistake of asking her the same question as she will immediately be put on defense.

Providing her with the above response will establish three things:

The first, is that it will make it seem as if you’re that much more sophisticated or mature, than the previous guys that she’s had to deal with. It’s almost a guarantee that she’ll echo your same exact sentiment in regards to Atlanta’s nightlife, regardless of either one of you being truthful.

The second thing, is that you’ve now introduced a competitive element into your date that for one reason or another, Atlanta women love.

Note: You can substitute pool with any competitive activity, so long as there’s alcohol present and she actually believes that she has a chance of winning.

The last thing that you’ll establish is that you actually have a life or at bare minimum, that you’re an avid fan of Netflix.

Atlanta women hate meeting men that are constantly partying but cringe at the idea of meeting a man that’s too readily available. It’s because of this that pretending as if you don’t have enough time to attend happy hour, because you’re too busy watching the complete first season of “Spartacus” on Netflix is the perfect ploy.

Please note that your relationship won’t last too long because she’ll be too busy partying, even though the majority of your discussions will be her trying to convince you that she doesn’t.

#5 “Women Who Believe that Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’ Was a Song Written Personally About Them”

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“Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)” is a song by R&B’s Beyoncé Knowles that was originally released in 2008 but is still relevant today and temporarily drives every Atlanta woman insane when they hear it. The song represents everything that Atlanta women aspire to be— Single, successful, good dancers and in charge. Men should note that playing this song in front of their significant other, automatically ends the relationship—At least for the duration of the song.

Since the lyrics to Single Ladies aren’t exactly the most complicated, being able to actually perform the single lady dance accounts for 60% of the single lady experience and respect. As a measure, Atlanta women  use the accuracy of the dance as a way to determine who’s the most single. Bad dancing usually means that  she has somewhat of a life and only hates men occasionally. A perfectly choreographed routine however means that you should probably head for the hills and not forget to leave your helmet.

Atlanta women love to overlook the fact that Beyonce’s been happily married for the past three years to hip hop mogul and entrepreneur Jay-Z, even though they themselves know the truth. You should never however attempt to divulge this information in front of a group of women in mid single lady.  Doing so will prove pointless and will almost always result in blue balls.

The songs popularity has even sparked the interest of at least one major television network not owned by Oprah.

As if living through the experience of Atlanta’s dating scene or lack thereof wasn’t enough, now the rest of the country will be able to partake in Atlanta’s misery, by watching VH1′s ‘loosely  reality based’ television show titled—You guessed it: Single Ladies.

It doesn’t help that the show is also based in Atlanta and features three professional women, who occasionally cheat and believe that a good relationship equates to meeting a guy who can form complete sentences and actually likes women—the irony.

You’ll come to find out that every woman in Atlanta is a single lady, regardless of their actual involvement in a relationship. The lesson here is to learn to choose the lesser of the two evils or the worst dancer.

#4 Sassy Singles

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It’s not the looks, it’s the attitude that can cause trouble, author says.” Meet the sassy single— She has a bad attitude and has never been able to maintain a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex. She constantly finds herself in situations that usually results in an argument, but ironically it’s never her fault. A simple night in the town at your favorite restaurant, often ends in fear of the waiter spitting in your drink, since your date didn’t appreciate the service, but decided to confront the staff, before having actually received the food. She justifies her erratic behavior to her friends and family by simply stating that she “Knows what she wants and is not willing to settle.”

Atlanta has it’s fair share of self proclaimed sassy women that should be avoided like a venereal disease.

They’re typically between the ages of 34 to 45, and have been in at least two serious relationships, that’s almost resulted in marriage. They’re pretty good at making first impressions, so identifying them will prove difficult. They usually crash and burn however on the second to third dinner date.

It’s essential for you to understand that there’s absolutely nothing that you can do to change or better this individual; especially if she’s in the younger half of her sassy years. No amount of patience, explanation or compromise will change her perspective on the dynamics of a properly working relationship. Older sassy singles however, can occasionally be salvaged. Since these women view their time as “running out”, they’re usually open to just enough change to make things work, but it’s uncommon.

These women will keep you on your toes but are definitely not worth the headache if you’re in it for the long haul. Unasked opinions will prove to be common in this relationship with her attempting to prove that she’s somehow in control.

#1 Attention Whores

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Their weapons consist of six inch stilettos (minimum), tramp stamps, Victoria’s Secret “Pink” or Juicy Couture sweatpants (the pants featuring some cute little word or phrase written across the rear, designed solely to draw attention to her ass); make-up products with glitter or “shimmer” in them but primarily lip gloss, body conforming mini-skirts combined with a thong and high heel, songs that allow them to dance like strippers for three minutes and fifty-five seconds; and female friends that love pretending to be lesbians in social settings, if it means that they can remain single for yet another day but draw enough attention for them not to care.

These women live and die for the attention that only an adult entertainer would receive but hate being approached or complimented. The general rule of thumb is to look, but don’t touch or say anything. Ironically enough, if they weren’t approached, these same women would accuse 98% of the men within a three mile radius of being gay, which coincidentally is something that Atlanta women LOVE to do with their girlfriends at social gatherings and dinner parties; especially after a long day of having rejected every guy that’s approached throughout the evening.

They’re in it strictly because they want to feel wanted without the emotional investment that a relationship incurs. Occasionally you’ll meet one that was so damaged by a previous relationship that she has vowed to wage some psycho revenge war (that only she knows about) against the men that have wronged her. Unfortunately for her, that usually means that she has decided to wage a war against all men and will probably remain single for the rest of her life.

Their unsuspecting victims consist of any guy that approaches with interest regardless of age, race, build, social class or environmental setting. There’s no rhyme or reason to the logic of an attention whore. It’s easy to spot these women whenever you’re out in Atlanta, especially in the metropolitan area at your favorite club, restaurant, lounge or bar. They’re usually in groups of three or more, dressed alike but in different color variations. Since they love being the center of attention, they’ll usually hit the center of the dance floor in a circle like formation and will almost always be louder than the music. They’ll grind, kiss and touch each other to purposely draw you in, just to shoot you down and laugh about it. But under no circumstances are you to approach.

Instead, act as if you don’t see them and enjoy the remainder of the evening with your friends. Partake in some of the finest champagne, and laugh about the past times. Since the attention whore is truly a miserable person, this will usually result with them leaving in disappointment to regroup at their headquarters for some confidence building man bashing.

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